Porn Kills Relationships

Last Updated on Tuesday, 29 March 2011 12:15 Written by Wes Sunday, 27 March 2011 07:13

For those of you who have read my book Ten Keys to Breaking Pornography Addiction, you know my feelings about how porn addiction impacts a relationship. I was upfront with my wife from the beginning about this struggle, and she was supportive of my efforts to overcome this. But in trying to show her support through strength, she never attacked me with “How do you think this makes me feel?” I just figured she was super strong. I must add that she probably was demonstrating her pain in different ways, but being so drugged up on pornography I was not emotionally equipped to recognize her pain and the destruction I was wreaking in my marriage.

We went to see a therapist to help us with our child who was going through problems, and some how it turned into some marriage counseling. And my porn addiction came up. The therapist asked my wife how she feels when I look at porn. I turned and looked at my wife who just sat silently. She sat for what seemed like an eternity, as tears quietly rolled down her cheeks. Her face was as set as stone, but I’ll never forget those tears. And she softly said, “I feel sad. I feel like he doesn’t love me.”

That was a wake up call for me.

Although my efforts at sobriety had been well intentioned, I had been trying on my own, without any outside support or accountability. That was when I got serious enough to begin attending 12 step meetings. That was when I began using Covenant Eyes. That was when my life truly began to change.

So, if you think your porn use is only affecting you, think again. I promise you that it is hurting someone terribly. Maybe it is someone in your future, and so the impact seems distant, but that person is being hurt, even if you haven’t met her or him yet.

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Choice

Last Updated on Thursday, 7 October 2010 06:20 Written by Wes Sunday, 3 October 2010 01:03

This week, my addictive voice reared its head and started rattling the bars of its cage. In the middle of the night, I lied in bed feeling the old pains of this addiction. I went through a few of the steps outlined in “Ten Keys to Breaking Pornography Addiction.” I knew that I wouldn’t act out, but that knowledge didn’t diminish the pain of having the beast raging at me.

To me, all pain is physical because it is real, even if it is “only in my head.” But there are different types of pain, and I realized I had a choice between two types of pain: emotional pain, and spiritual pain.

That night, emotional pain meant not acting out. If I chose not to act out, I would continue to experience all of the dark emotional pain I was experiencing as I lied there staring into the night. Past experience gave me reason to hope it would pass, even if it took several days or weeks. But it would pass.

Spiritual pain, to me, was the consequence of choosing to act out. Spiritual pain means different things to different people. Generally, I think of it as a separation from your higher power, whether it is God, family, or sense of self worth. For me, it would be all three.

Sadly, I knew from experience that acting out would lead to a painful separation from the things that bring me the most joy. Which ultimately would be worse than the pain of acting out.

Before I started applying the Ten Keys in my life, I would not have remembered the pain of acting out. I would only have been able to feel the pain of not acting out. And, ultimately, I would have found myself powerless to make the correct choice.

Fortunately, I was able to make the right choice. It was a long, sad night for me. So was the next night. But, now, several days later, the pain has subsided and I’m grateful to have made the better choice.

Choosing between two pains is not easy at all. But regardless of how we may feel, even in the depths of addiction, we always have a choice.

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